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The Jokes Thread.

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The Cookie Monster

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Post Mon Aug 15, 2011 9:33 pm

The Jokes Thread.

WARNING :
The following posts contain some of the nastiest humor you can find on the web.
They also might contain strong and abusive language.
If you're a kid, do yourself a favour and get lost.
Thanks.


I'll start off.

There's a [male] bear and a rabbit in a forest. They're walking forward when a magical frog appears. He tells 'em, "I'll give each of you 3 wishes." The bear and the rabbit get excited.

The bear goes first - "I wish all the bears in this forest were female." The frog grants the wish.
The rabbit - "I want a helmet." The frog is shocked, and says, "you can wish for anything you want and you wish for a helmet?" The rabbit says "Yes." And so the rabbit gets a helmet

The bear says his second wish - "I wish all the bears in the country were female." The frog grants the wish.
The rabbit - I want a bicycle. The frog once again shocked, asks "A bicycle?! You could have anything you want!" The rabbit once again says he wants what he asked. The frog grants the wish.

The bear says his third wish - "I wish all the bears in the world were female!" The frog grants the wish.
The rabbit puts on his helmet, and says "I wish this bear was gay!" and jumps onto his bike and rides away.
Last edited by The Cookie Monster on Wed Nov 09, 2011 3:26 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Post Wed Aug 17, 2011 3:20 am

Re: The Jokes Thread.

A very loud, unattractive (UGLY) , mean woman walked into Wal-Mart with
her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice
children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't.
The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think
they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?

I'll have you know "I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the greeter. "I just couldn' believe you got laid twice."

:lol:
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Post Fri Aug 19, 2011 4:26 am

Re: The Jokes Thread.

No jokes? Anyone? :'(

A very shy young man goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone, after about an hour he gathers enough courage to ask her :
"Excuse me, can I sit beside you?"

She responds loudly, "NO I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

Everyone in the bar starts staring at the man, so he gets embarrassed.
After a few minutes the woman walks over to his table, she smiles and apologizes and says "You see I'm a psychology student studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

So the man replies loudly, "WHAT?! 10 THOUSAND DOLLARS FOR ONE NIGHT?"

:lol:
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Post Fri Aug 19, 2011 5:21 am

Re: The Jokes Thread.

Lol, since everyone is ignoring you I'll post a joke ;)
A man is sitting beside his wife and says "I love you". The wife says "Is that you talking or the beer". The husband says "It's me talking to the beer!".
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Post Fri Aug 19, 2011 6:46 am

Re: The Jokes Thread.

ace wrote:Lol, since everyone is ignoring you I'll post a joke ;)
A man is sitting beside his wife and says "I love you". The wife says "Is that you talking or the beer". The husband says "It's me talking to the beer!".


Thank You! :P

Your joke reminds me of this :
A man walks into a bank, gets in line, and when it was his turn he pulls out a gun and robs the joint! Just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line 'Did you see me rob this Bank?' The customer replies 'YES!' The bank robber raises his gun points it to his head and BANG!! SHOOTS HIM IN THE HEAD!! He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man 'DID YOU SEE ME ROB THIS BANK????' The man calmly responds 'No... but my wife did!'

:lol:
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Post Sun Aug 21, 2011 6:40 am

Re: The Jokes Thread.

Once in a soap industry in Japan, the soap cover was mistakenly packed without soap in it (i.e. empyt packet) . To avoid the problem in future they purchased X-Ray machine of a million dollars to check whether soap is filled in cover or not in the assembly line.
The same problem arose in a poor city of Pakistan. What did they do? They simply put a rotating fan beside the assembly line. Empty packets were flown away!

8) :lol:
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Post Sun Sep 04, 2011 8:48 am

The Polish Divorce

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.

One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Lawyer: Have you any grounds?
Polish man: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

Lawyer: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
Polish man: It made of concrete.

Lawyer: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
Polish man: No, we have carport, and not need one.

Lawyer: I mean what are your relations like?
Polish man: All my relations still in Poland .

Lawyer: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
Polish man: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Lawyer: Does your wife beat you up?
Polish man: No, I always up before her.

Lawyer: Is your wife a nagger?
Polish man: No, she white.

Lawyer: Why do you want this divorce?
Polish man: She going to kill me.

Lawyer: What makes you think that?
Polish man: I got proof.

Lawyer: What kind of proof?

Polish man: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English pretty good, and it say:

POLISH REMOVER
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Post Sun Sep 11, 2011 11:23 pm

Re: The Jokes Thread.

A very fat woman walks into a store and asks the clerk, "I would like to see a bikini that fits me."
The clerk replies, "me too..."
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Post Mon Sep 12, 2011 9:11 am

Re: The Jokes Thread.

haha. i enjoy these. Too bad I have no jokes to add :(
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Post Mon Sep 12, 2011 5:03 pm

Re: The Jokes Thread.

So the elephant mocks the Camel, "Hahaha, Why do you have two boobs on your back?"
The camel replies, "Funny question coming from someone with a dick on his face!"
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Post Thu Sep 15, 2011 2:27 am

Re: The Jokes Thread.

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone."
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Post Sat Sep 17, 2011 7:04 am

Re: The Jokes Thread.

A couple of strangers were drinking at a cliffside bar overlooking
the ocean. Both of them look a little drunk, when one says to
the other: "Hey, look at the wind whipping up the side of that
cliff. It moves pretty fast. I'll bet I could jump off of the
ledge, catch the wind in my coat, and get lifted right back up to
the bar!"

"No way", says the other guy, "you'd fall to your death."

"Well, I'm going to try it!", says the first, and at that he walks
over, stands on the ledge, and leaps off in a swan dive. Sure
enough, he comes sailing back up in no time, and lands on his feet
right in front of the bar.

"I can't believe it!" says the second guy, "that's impossible" .
So the first drunk does it again: he jumps off the cliff, catches
the wind in his coat, and comes sailing back to the bar.

"Go ahead", he says, "try it, it's great!"

"Well, OK, I'm just drunk enough to give it a go", says the second
fellow. So he climbs the ledge and leaps off the cliff, only to
fall screaming to his death on the rocks below.

The first guy walks back to the bar and sits down to his drink.
The bartender steps over, looks him in the eye, and says to him:
"You know, you can be a real jerk sometimes when you've been
drinking, Superman".
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Post Thu Sep 22, 2011 11:12 pm

Re: The Jokes Thread.

This is a bit sexist but funny.

A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm. The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightening. The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and they are all going to die.
At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman.

Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like woman?"

She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts to walk up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She can see the man's muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, "I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?"

Eagerly, she nods her head, Yes!

As the man hands her his shirt, he says, "Here. Iron this."
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Post Sat Sep 24, 2011 12:05 pm

Re: The Jokes Thread.

*Dirty Joke!

One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.

She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"

The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."

So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."

Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."

Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.

A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
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Post Sat Sep 24, 2011 1:48 pm

Re: The Jokes Thread.

Haha, how clever. I should try that some time.
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